When I opened my eyes, I realized I was in the bathroom stall, sitting on the floor with a lingering aftertaste from my vomit.
My teacher knocked on the stall door and asked if I was OK, snapping me back to reality. I was bewildered at how I got here in the first place.
Anxiety impacted my life, making me miss out on every coming opportunity. It led to depression and a negative mindset.
I often felt like the loneliest kid.
I struggled to manage or understand my emotions. Realizing I was isolated and in need of a solution, I wanted something new. I just wasn’t sure how to get there.
Later, in the nurse’s office, I was still confused about why this blackout happened to me and where it came from. I wondered if it was a stomach bug or something else.
In the summer of 2009, when I was eight years old, my family and I moved from Los Angeles to Texas in a town called Allen. They wanted to experience a new environment, which was an exciting adventure for me.
Fall came around and it was the first day of fourth grade at my new school, although I was starting a week late. I was excited to meet my new teacher and classmates.
Before I walked in to introduce myself, though, a sudden blackout overshadowed me. My chest was pounding so loud that my eyes developed tears. This wasn’t a temporary illness but the beginning of a misery that would continue throughout the first week of school.
I had to stay and rest at the nurse’s office; I lay there, trying to understand the overwhelming emotions I had. Eventually, the school arranged for me to meet the school psychologist. She sat me down and gathered information, later explaining that I may have developed anxiety. I did not understand how to put it or explain it to others; I was just a kid.
After four months, we decided to move back to Los Angeles. I was ready for a fresh start. However, I still had continuous blackouts and frequent visits to the nurse’s office. I had the same reaction regardless of the environment.
I was known as a shy kid, but I did not feel shy. This thing I had was taking over my mind and body. It got to the point where my family and school thought I was doing it for attention. I wasn’t. I knew there had to be a way to work with this.
A year later, when I was 10, I attended a summer camp, missing half the week and spending time with the nurses. My mother thought it would be a great environment to break me out of my shell, but unfortunately, that didn’t go as planned. My body felt weak, and I couldn’t eat or move.
One night, while visiting the camp nurse, I experienced several episodes. My body was releasing everything to the point it released blood. I froze, seeing the blood spill out of my mouth. I wanted this to stop. I felt out of place; not knowing who I was and what I was afraid of.
I missed out on numerous opportunities and felt disconnected from academics, friends, and activities. With the anxiety, I faced challenges in attending school and not being able to partake in a social environment. My mental health worsened, which led to a deep depression.
I truly felt like the loneliest kid.
Movies, shows, books, and other entertainment were my getaway. I found joy and comfort in watching characters I resonated with, including Charlie from “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” or Walter Mitty from “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.”
One character that inspired me was Ferris Bueller. Although I felt more like Cameron, Ferris was different; everyone loved and admired him. If I wanted to be like the people I admired, I had to adopt a new mindset. It was challenging.
Whenever I felt an attack approaching, I tried to hold it in to avoid drawing attention. I would try to control my breathing by taking five deep breaths–leading me to have chest pain for an entire year. I slowly developed chronic headaches and acute tics. I tried to distract my mind from the pain by exploring new hobbies and interests.
According to Medical News Today, about 25% of people will experience chest pain during their lifetime. Researchers don’t know exactly what causes anxiety disorders but it’s likely a combination of biological, genetic and environmental factors.
From movies, I learned that it’s easier to talk to people by engaging with others who share similar interests and are passionate about them. For me, it started with someone wearing a Dr. Who shirt. This was a great start, as it helped me connect with the person and open up.
Later, I started a junk journal to process my thoughts by writing whatever was in my mind. I noticed after writing down my initial thoughts, I would have a second opinion and write that too. My love for entertainment grew further when I had the opportunity to attend events, including Comic Con.
Over time, I got better at managing my emotions and anxiety. I made friends and got great opportunities to network and land a job I could do without a doubt. I became comfortable being with myself and exploring new environments. I hadn’t had these feelings in years.
As an adult, my mind is now focused on navigating my 20s.
Along my journey, I learned from others who also suffer from anxiety that they had similar feelings; for example, morning nausea or physical fidgeting. Understanding that you are not alone is essential to getting support and finding healthy coping strategies.
If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, check out these resources for support.
Student Health Services at El Camino College
Location: 16007 Crenshaw Blvd, Torrance, CA 90506
Hours:
Monday through Thursday: 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.
Friday: 8 a.m. to 1 p.m.
Contact: [email protected]
310-660-3643
Emergency: Call 911 immediately.
After-Hours Emotional Crisis Line: 310-660-3377, 24/7
National Suicide Hotline: 800-784-2433, 24/7
LA County Dept of Mental Health ACCESS: 800-854-7777, 24/7
Confidential Crisis Textline: Text COURAGE to 741741, 24/7
El Camino College Police Department: 310-660-3100.
