Drops of sweat rolled down my face as I stood just a few steps before the mighty Kaaba, the holy place Muslims visit for pilgrimage in Mecca, Saudi Arabia.
It looked so ethereal and ancient.
The voices of people chanting “Labaik Allahuma Labaik, Labaik La Sharika Laka Labaik, Inna Al-Hamda Wa An-Ni’mata Laka Wal Mulk La Sharika Lak,” (Here I am, O God, here I am. Here I am, You have no partner, here I am. Truly, all have no partner), echoed across Mecca.
Black birds chirped harmonious melodies alongside the thousands of pilgrims performing tawaf (when pilgrims walk counterclockwise around the Kaaba).
The number of pilgrims performing Hajj and Umrah (Islamic pilgrimages) have grown throughout the years. During 2024 alone, 13.8 million people attended Hajj and Umrah.
This is largely due to Saudi Arabia’s Minister of Hajj and Umrah, Tawfiq Al-Rabiah, upgrading the workforce, streamlining the online booking process and implementing a professional crowd management system.
After graduating from South Pasadena High School in 2022, I took a gap year. Being unable to see my friends and only doing school virtually during the pandemic made it difficult for me to adapt to the new norm of life.
While lying on my bed most nights, attempting to get my night’s rest, I would look up at the ceiling and go into a mental spiral.
My head was beating rapidly, insomnia taking over me which only heightened my anxiety and breathing felt heavy, like bricks on my chest. I brushed my hands vigorously through my hair in frustration.
Thoughts of “Something is wrong with me. Why do I feel so behind? Why am I so scared?” flooded my brain.
I could not shut my brain off for a single second. It was like a fire hydrant gone loose.
There was no way to stop until warm tears poured down my face. I knocked out afterward from emotional exhaustion.
This was my routine.
I had difficulty accepting I was in a gap year. Even though I was doing what I wanted, I felt so alone.
I would scroll through posts on Instagram and see my friends living their “best lives” in college. I compared myself to what I saw online. Although I was spending time with my family and relaxing as I intended, I reached a point of not feeling productive enough.
My days consisted of sleeping until noon and having lunch as breakfast. I would go on afternoon walks and spend the rest of my day watching “Outlander” on Netflix or scrolling on my phone.
After a couple of months, I realized how much I missed being around people and involved in social activities.
Until one day my grandpa, Mohammed Zaki, offered to take me, my aunt, Marwah Zaki, and my grandma, Hamida Baloch Hussein, to Umrah. Around that time, my grandma began to show signs of early dementia.
He felt it was the perfect time to go on a spiritual family trip.
I grew up in a diverse household during my upbringing. My mom is a Mexican-Catholic and my dad is an Indian-Muslim. I was exposed to various faiths and cultures, but as I got older, I connected mostly with my Islamic faith.
Islam was a large part of my life and when my grandpa offered to go, I was so excited and happy.
My spiritual seven day trip to Saudi Arabia allowed me to reconnect with Allah SWT (God, Glorified and Exalted is He). Witnessing people from different cultures, various ages, genders, but wearing the same Ihram attire (Umrah attire), chanting the same verses from the Quran, the Islamic holy book and united in this holy pilgrimage was something I have never seen before.
Muslims from over 183 different countries attend Islamic pilgrimages every year. Most come from Asian countries including: Indonesia, Pakistan, India, and Bangladesh.
During a time of feeling lost and uncertain of the world, I was suddenly filled with a sense of belonging and purpose. It inspired me to take back control over my life.
When I stood before the Kabba, everything that was happening around me was silenced. There was ease and stillness. I was present – I was at peace.
Some pilgrims stood in deep intention of prayer, while some touched the black fabric covering the Kabba. Others were weeping tears.
As I touched the Kabba, I felt weight lifted off my shoulders. This was the Kabba I flew exactly 8,182 miles to see in person. This was it.
Suddenly, a surge of people began pushing and squeezing past me to touch the Kabba. I began to sweat profusely and was buried by a sea of people.
Breath in. Breath out.
I closed my eyes and intentionally prayed to Allah SWT.
My faith before was not as strong. I would not pray as often, nor read the Quran. Now I pray more, recite the Quran and attend Jum’ah (Friday prayers).
I left feeling confident that Allah SWT was my ultimate planner and protector. I knew that my anxiety could be managed by putting my faith in Allah SWT’s hands.
I was blessed to perform Umrah with my grandma, grandpa and aunt. I am more appreciative and grateful of my family.
My grandma recently died and all I can think about are the memories I made with her on this trip. I used to nickname her “Balochi blood,” since she was so proud of her Baloch heritage.
She was a strong, righteous woman made of fire. I feel the closest to her whenever I pray now.
I understood that anything is possible to overcome when I believe and have faith in myself and Allah SWT.
I am a lotus. I rise every time I fall.
