It was my 20th birthday, November 7, the day I shaved my bra strap length hair to the scalp.

My hair felt like I made it the side chick and my wigs the main chick.

So my hair getting dry and unhealthy was its message to me saying, “you can’t have your cake and eat it too. Choose me or lose me.”

And like every other time, I chose my extensions over my natural hair.

I continued wearing wigs for a a few months.

But like that indecisive ex, I always came back begging for forgiveness with deep conditioners, oil treatments, and inconsistent hair routines.

My hair would seem to spring back, but you know what they say, “it’s never as good as the first time.”

Frustrated with my translucent and limp curls, I went to Supercuts and got my bra strap length hair, cut to my shoulders into a cute little bob.

I wish somebody would have stopped me there, but no.

I decided to go to CVS and purchased the Just For Me Texture Softener System No-Lye System.

I watched several YouTube videos of women texturizing their hair and seeing how it helped clump their curls, get rid of frizz and make their curls silkier.

“Do you love me? Take me as I am,” my hair said as I contemplated whether I should buy the product or not.

And I thought I did love my hair, but turns out, I didn’t.

I was cheating on my curl pattern.

Chasing something that wasn’t mine, because I thought it was better and would make me happier.

So I ran home, followed the instructions and applied the product to my hair.

Applying the product and stripping my hair of all the life it had left, that I didn’t take from it already, my hair took its last breaths and whispered “you’re going to miss me when I’m gone.”

And I did.

Because I rinsed my hair out 13 minutes after, as instructed and there were no curls in sight.

Running my fingers through my hair was like I was fighting my hair to let me caress it after putting it through so much.

It was tangled, hard to comb, straight and ugly.

I’m not saying straight hair is ugly but when it’s not natural, it is.

I reached down, and picked up a hairball collected in the drain.

As it dripped I felt like my hair was crying to me saying, “why couldn’t you just love and accept me when you had me?”

But truth is, I didn’t love or accept myself.

The Just For Me Texture Softener System No-Lye System permed my hair.

But why were there pictures on the box of girls with silky and tamed curls.

“The grass isn’t greener on the other side.”

I was set up by the product to prove my love, and left with nothing because the love I had wasn’t strong enough to fight all temptation.

My eyes were too blurry to realize what I had in front of me was good enough.

I looked back at old pictures of me and my hair and realized nothing was wrong with it, it was so pretty, and all the flaws made my hair what it was and could have been worked through.

But there was no coming back from this abandonment.

I called my best friend Sandra bawling my eyes out.

She tried to comfort me by telling me that my curls would come back, just give it some time.

But I knew the only way to right my wrongs would be to cut it off and let it go to start fresh.

And that is exactly what I did on November 7.

I filmed my best friend and brother, two people close and dear to my heart, shaving my hair.

I didn’t feel like I lost my hair when it was all cut off.

I lost my hair when I manipulated it to be something it wasn’t.

Now I accept my hair and feel empowered.

I understand that this was a stepping stone to bring me closer to self love.

To view my video and watch my hair journey visit my channel Kaylynn Simone on YouTube.