When I was younger I didn’t really understand what having a crush meant. That changed in the eighth grade. Who knew the boy who sat across from me in English class would be the same boy I still like five years later?

As the school year went on we talked nearly everyday. At first our conversations were small and only related to what we were doing in class. Later they were not just about homework, but also about the latest drama in our grade.

He was super attractive and had a funny personality. His dark brown hair was always perfectly styled into a long quiff, which was one of my favorite things about him. There were times where I would see him run his hands through his hair, which made my cheeks look like cherries because I was blushing so hard.

He was the type of guy who would just randomly crack a joke and get everyone around him to laugh, me included.

Despite only telling my close friends, it seemed everyone knew about my crush. I worried he would find out.

By the time we entered North High School in Torrance, my crush on him grew even bigger, even though we spoke less and less. I wasn’t sure if it was because he knew I liked him or because we were getting busier as high school students.

When sophomore year came around, everyone seemed to be entering relationships which made me feel a bit lonely. I realized I should tell him that I had a crush on him.

But I didn’t tell him myself. I asked a friend to do it for me. Yes. Rookie mistake. He told him at lunch one day, near the cafeteria, in front of all of his other friends.

He didn’t feel the same way, which made things awkward between us. We went from talking to each other every day in eighth grade to awkwardly making eye contact in the high school’s highway.

This crushed me. I felt like an idiot. There were a few times when I cried. What made things worse was that I should have taken initiative and told him myself, but nope. I was a scared and shy 16-year-old.

It also made me think that love wasn’t real and that I will probably never find someone. My parents, who have been married for 32 years, met at the same high school as my crush and me, and I thought the same thing would happen. We’d fall in love, get married and start a life together.

In junior year, he got a girlfriend. I was still sad about how things turned out between us. Finding out about this hurt me even more and made me feel insecure, but for some reason my crush on him was still there.

Is there something wrong with me? What did she have that I didn’t?

My friends questioned why I still liked him. They were still supportive although deep down inside I knew they were annoyed because I never stopped talking about him. There was something about him that attracted me to him, even when he had a girlfriend.

Five years later, we are both attending El Camino College and I still have feelings for him.

We see each other on campus sometimes while walking to class and the butterflies are still there when he walks by. Things are still awkward. Part of me wants to try and talk to him, but I am scared of embarrassing myself again.

I have tried liking other guys, but still find myself thinking about him.

Maybe nothing will ever happen between us. Maybe he will read this story and realize what he has lost. Maybe I’ll find the confidence to move on.

But I’m just not there yet.

Editor’s Note:

• Deck was added for context on Tuesday, June 6.